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No use!

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I know these kind of condition. In fact the wife already doesn't love her hubby anymore, even didn't respect him. She regret for marrying him, but the sociaty or the tranditional concept made her hard to get rid of it. It is why she wanted to change her hubby into a brand-new person she love and it is why she never give up to change him. She worked hard for her dream lover!!!! No one like to face a person she dislike even disgust everyday. The kind of sadness is only from china. I am sympathic for her, she suffer as much as her hubby.
Chinese people don't know how to repect their own heart, for the rule of society they would like to give up their own wishs, but unconsiously they became angry or hate to the one who cause their regret. These condition became unreasonble if the one who has no enough wisdom to understand these anger or analyst themself.
In fact maybe after they seperate for a while, give her a period to think it over, the wife can know what she wanted or what she should do. Now she suffers a kind of mental problem.
At this respect I do agree the western people's concept, they follow their own heart although it makes a lot of trouble to their life(such as children problem after devoice, economic...). Chinese people is too practical.

I am appericiate your reading. Sorry for my english. I am working hard on that.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
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  • 枫下佳缘 / 快乐单身 / 丈夫在婚姻十字路口的一声叹息:别再改造我了!(forwarded)
    本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛丈夫在婚姻十字路口的一声叹息:别再改造我了!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    2001年4月26日09:59 中国青年报


      尊敬的编辑:

      看了贵报3月29日《我的婚姻在城乡结合部断裂》以后,我感慨万端,因为我的婚姻与那位博士的婚姻竟然有惊人的相似之处。犹豫再三,我决定给您写这封信,一是诉说我心中积淀已久的郁闷,二是警醒和讨教于年少、同龄和年长的朋友。

      我和妻子结婚五年,几乎从结婚一开始就是三天一小吵,五天一大吵。本以为彼此磨合一两年后会有和睦相处、相亲相爱的那一天,但永无止境的生气、埋怨、争吵与冷战,导致的是彼此心灵的创伤和感情的恶化,是婚姻之舟的风雨飘摇。最可笑的是尽管我们两人在家里吵得是一塌糊涂或者互不理睬,但走出家门我们还得装出一副若无其事或者恩爱有加的模样。

      我们的矛盾焦点是:她总是想改造我,而我总是不想被她改造或者说忍受不了她对我的改造。

      我是经人介绍认识妻子的。当时我们都属于大龄青年,对爱情、对婚姻都渴望已久。她人长得漂亮,又很聪明,我们可算得上是一见钟情。恋爱时我们彼此感受都不错,于是很快就结了婚,但没想到婚后却是矛盾重重。

      她在城市长大,家庭较为富裕,我在农村长大,家庭十分贫寒;她在生活中有许多讲究,而我却一向很随意;她是急性子,一件事巴不得立竿见影就能做好,而且总想做得十全十美,而我做事倾向于稳重扎实,在她看来我就显得慢条斯理了……太多的差异导致了我们彼此磨擦的增多与矛盾的激发。她是属于很有主见、很要强的人,而我的“主心骨儿”也不少,也不太情愿服输,有时便彼此互不相让。当然,现在绝大多数情况下是我做出让步,服从于她,目的是不想和她吵,不想惹她生气。但她的一些要求与做法有时实在是无理,实在是偏激、过分。她有时不止是让我感到屈辱,而是让我感到无所适从。

      我不听她的她会生气,我听她的她又会嫌我“没有主见”、“无能”、是个“窝囊废”,有时我真是左右不是人。在她的面前我不能有太多的个性,而必须要有充足的奴性,但一味地“奴性”也不行,还得有悟性,还得身手不凡。她一旦生气了或者心情不好,我准没有好果子吃,要么是做她的“出气筒”,要么是让她做“驯兽师”,她会想尽办法来调教我、训练我、改造我。她心情好的时候是我“阳光灿烂的日子”。有时我本意是想让她高兴一下、开心一下,但马屁拍错了地方反惹得她雷霆大怒———我都成什么人了?有时我都感到自己被异化了、被扭曲了。

      她明确表示不喜欢我家里的人,原因是在乡下老家操办婚礼时,她觉得婚礼没办好,而且我们家里的人居然没有谁送一份礼物给她。所以父亲第一次也是惟一的一次来我这里住时她就给老人脸色看,我只好匆匆打发老人回家。我乡下老家的亲戚、朋友打来电话时她一概没有好气儿,结果老家那边再也没有人敢给我打电话。她平时说话“乡巴佬”、“土包子”之类的话常挂在嘴边,很伤我的自尊心。有时更是把我的父母兄弟贬得一钱不值,令我有一种说不出的屈辱与痛苦。所以现在在她面前我几乎不提我的家人和家里的事。但对于她的父母和亲友我却是绝不能有半点马虎和含糊的。这种双重标准还贯穿于日常生活的其他方面。比如她可以随意地“煲电话粥”,而我却不能在家里打电话谈工作上的事,要谈工作就“滚到办公室去”;她总是埋怨我不被领导所欣赏和重用,但当我的工作真的需要加班时,她又有怨言了,觉得在我心目中工作比她重要、电脑比她重要;她遇到心烦的事可以在我身上出气,指着我的鼻子骂娘,但我心情不好时却不能在她面前表露出来。她的理由是:“我是女人,你是男人,男人和女人当然不一样!家是讲爱的地方不是讲理的地方,你要真的爱我就得容忍这些!”她把很多事情上升到是否爱她的高度来认识,给我一遍又一遍地“念紧箍咒”。

      她常常为一些琐碎、细小的事情而生气。比如炒菜时我把肉块切得太大了或者形状不好看,桌子上的书报放得太乱了,我穿的衣服没按她的意见搭配好颜色等等,我说:“条条道路通罗马,解决问题的方法有多种多样,为什么你一定要我按你所说的去做?为什么不允许我有自己独特的想法和做法?男人本来就是粗糙的,我不可能像女人那样想得那么细,做得那么细!”但这往往会招致她更多的指责和斥骂,所以面对她的怒气冲冲与兴师问罪,我更多的是选择沉默与回避,而在心里我却是十分地鄙夷她的神经质似的怒气冲冲。

      我不敢带她去见我的朋友,也不愿意和她一块儿去见她的朋友。因为每次这样的聚会结束以后,她总会评价我的朋友哪些地方不好,或者指出我哪一句话说得不妥、哪一个举止做得不妙。她更多的是看到别人的缺点与不足。我说:“大家在一块儿聊天、吹牛,乐一乐而已,谁在意、谁在乎你有什么优点缺点了?整天注意这注意那,累不累呀?”她马上变脸:“好心好意帮你指出来,你就这个态度?”(以后遇到类似的情况我便一概点头称是)。她几乎每时每刻都要评判我的言行,对我做出提醒或警戒,有她在场的时候我总放不开,惟恐自己出了什么差错,回家挨她批评或剖析。

      她似乎一门心思盯着我,希望我上进,希望我有出息。有时我极力耸恿她去学点什么东西,比如学钢琴、学外语等等,甚至提出优厚的鼓励办法,因为她有很多事情做了,就顾不上来“监督”我,我就会轻松许多。但她向来是“宽以律己,严以待人”,每次学什么东西只是三分钟热度,没学几天就放弃了。但对我的改造她却永不放弃。有一两次我趁她心情好的时候对她说:“你不要老是想着要改造我,我已经定型了,就是这个样子了。你无法改变我,正如我无法改变你一样,拜托你不要再改造我了行不行?”但她理直气壮地说:“我不管你谁管你?”

      也许有朋友会说:“你们干吗不做一些交流和沟通?”怎么没有?在她心情好的时候我们做过许多交流和沟通,但她脾气来了时,故态复发,一切照旧。而在她心情不好时我是根本不可能和她做交流与沟通的。问题是她心情不好的时间总多过她心情好的时间。也许有朋友会说:“既然你们合不来,干吗不考虑离婚?”怎么没考虑?我还正式提出过,但她不同意。我多少还想干点事业,没有时间和精力与她天天吵着要离婚,咱折腾不起。再说,在她心情好的时候我们毕竟还有短促的“快乐时光”。而且,离了又能怎样?再找一个能比她强?年轻一点的新潮女性更厉害。假如离了婚,选择独身或同居对我来说也不太可能。看看我的四周,哪一个家庭不在吵?“不幸的家庭是一天吵两次,幸福的家庭是两天吵一次!”凑合着过吧!但有时我又不甘心就这么凑合下去。

      现在我心里非常矛盾,我究竟该怎么做才好呢?

      一个在婚姻的十字路口徘徊的人:小川更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
    • “不幸的家庭是一天吵两次,幸福的家庭是两天吵一次!”---- Any comment?!
      • 看来我是幸福那拨的了.
      • how about 基本不吵?
        • It is coz both of u r wise person. hahaha, yes, it needs some skill in marriage
          • No,just because he has a good temper,吵不起来, 只有我自己在作,,,xixi,
            • 仙牧,仙牧,,,,
              • What do you admire for? you got the same thing.. bu zhi zu de jia huo
                • xixi, 仙牧,仙牧 :-)
                • 哼,还说脾气蚊河,这摸气粉干麻?
                  • 嘻嘻,号完,号完。。。
                    • xixi,绝佩,绝佩。
            • 不要得意,坏脾气不是于生俱来的。我的脾气以前也是很好,现在变了...
              • 向你致敬,向你学习!
                • woman is tiger!
                  • Woman is WuSong, man is tiger
                  • but in your heart, hahaha. the song.
                    • what song?
                      • 很俗的一首歌, woman is tiger. haha.
                        • yes! hehe...but i don't know the words...can you tell me?
                          • 山上的小和尚去化斋,老和尚有交代,山下的女人是老虎,遇见了千万要躲开。走过了一村又一寨,小和尚暗自揣,为什么女人是老虎,老虎她很可爱。。。。。。。老虎已闯进我的心里来,心里来。记不太清了。
                            • Wow! funny! Thx!
                            • next time, sing for us, ok?
                            • 去上海几天,每天跳这个舞,都上瘾了。可惜回深圳以后再没听过这首歌。
                          • 小和尚下山去化斋, 老和尚有交代: 山下的女人是老虎, 遇见了千万要躲开.走过了一村又一寨,小和尚暗自揣,为什么老虎不吃人, 模样还挺可爱.
                            • 正确,绝对。
                          • But why you "hehe" when you know nothing about it?
                            • I know nothing...so silly smile...hehe...
      • 请问谁叫小川?我还以为是坛子上的朋友。两口子的是别人没法管。互相体谅就是了。多贴点开心的好不好。
    • No use!
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I know these kind of condition. In fact the wife already doesn't love her hubby anymore, even didn't respect him. She regret for marrying him, but the sociaty or the tranditional concept made her hard to get rid of it. It is why she wanted to change her hubby into a brand-new person she love and it is why she never give up to change him. She worked hard for her dream lover!!!! No one like to face a person she dislike even disgust everyday. The kind of sadness is only from china. I am sympathic for her, she suffer as much as her hubby.
      Chinese people don't know how to repect their own heart, for the rule of society they would like to give up their own wishs, but unconsiously they became angry or hate to the one who cause their regret. These condition became unreasonble if the one who has no enough wisdom to understand these anger or analyst themself.
      In fact maybe after they seperate for a while, give her a period to think it over, the wife can know what she wanted or what she should do. Now she suffers a kind of mental problem.
      At this respect I do agree the western people's concept, they follow their own heart although it makes a lot of trouble to their life(such as children problem after devoice, economic...). Chinese people is too practical.

      I am appericiate your reading. Sorry for my english. I am working hard on that.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • I think you are doing well in learning English. But I suggest you avoid using the words like "hubby".
        • Why? Doesn't it mean husband?
          • I personally hate that word because it is so close to that God damned Indonnesian president's name.
      • You think it's easy to get a divorce here?
        Acutally it's easier in China. Lemme tell you, in order to file a divorce petition, you've gotta live separately for 1 year, and you have to worry about your spouse splitting your wealth too, and if he doesn't have a job, you've gotta pay him alimony. Marriage is much more respected here than back in china.
        • Yes, so are persona life and privacy. I saw my colleagues finishing their own marriages. It is stressful. When they finally come out of it, they feel relieved a lot.
          One manager in my company hired 3 lawyers and 1 accountant to take care her divorce case, one real estate lawyer, one lawyer for divorce itself and another tax lawyer.
        • Yeah, it is not easy. but here the ratio of devioce is 50%. fighting hard for their happiness even it is hard. You are a typical chinese, don't get involved into this topic. be careful your lumlum. hahaha
          • why,why,why??? lumlum is definetly a good girl. you bet.
            • I already knew u r a good girl. just tease your numnum la. xixi
              • Hey, your id is very very very cool!
    • 我看你们最大问题就在于“门不当,户不对”。虽然说起来是个老观念,但是事实上就是这样。门不当,户不对的夫妻真幸福的占多大比例?
      • 说的没错
      • 不对吧? 我的家庭和“他”的家庭的组合时一样的。可是我比他幸福多了。 呵呵....。关键在于他的老婆不怎样么? 早干嘛去了?
    • JABBER你怎么老贴这么消极的东西啊?
    • 更年期综合症
    • 昨天刚在SOHU看到,今天就被贴到这了.后面的讨论特激烈.我认为意义不仅在此case
    • 有点PERSONAL的问题问JABBER:这该不会是您老人家的痛苦经历吧?不用作答。猜测而已。
      • Please don't take it personal and emotional. We are grown-ups.
    • 拜读大作后,颇有同感。男人该有男人的样子,坚持,坚持,决不放弃!! 相信有很多人会站在你这边!!
      • 就算全世界的人都站在这边也没用,因为他LP站那边。
    • try to shout back at her!
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I feel so sorry for this husband. 5 or 6 years ago, I would say divorce her and find some girl who really cares you and know how to protect your dignity as a man.
      But now, as a newly married wife, I know it is very difficult to make such a decision, especially when you are not sure whether you could find one who is much bette than her after your divorce.
      I can really understand how frustrated you are feeling.
      Go and find your own happiness, when she complains again, tell her:
      "I am this kind of person, you can never change me. Take me as what I am or leave me. "
      If you are serious when you say the above things, she would be frightened by your attitude, for you have never been brave enough to do so.

      Be honest with you, I am somewhat like your wife in my own marriage. Why I am always complainging is because that I am still dreaming a much more excellent man, though I am married.

      We quarrelled a lot and of cause suffered a lot.
      ANyhow, this is the way marriage is. Just take it easy and find your own
      happiness!更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • Very good.