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Alright, my name is zhangdongnan, call me jimmy if you like, I was graduated from seneca college back in 2007, after that, I’ve been living in Canada for over 4 years, I’ve worked in many places like restaurants, computer stores and cable company, you name it. But, I couldn't find where my future is, i don't want to be called pizza guy or cable guy for the rest of my life. I was working 10 hours everyday, but still feel empty, so, I ask myself, how can my career feel more fulfilling? How can I find more meaning in my life? I think the answer is quite clear, let’s go back to china, with my knowledge, my skill, and my responsibility. i can do something more.
So by 2011, i came back to shenyang, my hometown, and became a member of this big family. The manager of my department assigned me to the operating room right away, and let me be responsible for surgical equipment maintains and repairs including surgical lights, monitors, microscopes and a lot more. It’s a very important and exciting challenge, in the first few months, I learned a lot from our senior engineers and also read many books about surgical equipment, slowly; I start to get familiar with this job. To be honest with you, I was a little bit scared of stepping into the OR at the first time, all my impression about it is blood all over the floor, nurse’s shouting and patient’s crying. But, guess what, it’s not that bad, on the contrary, our new OR is so clean and quiet, you could actually just stay in there, watching surgeons moving there magical hands, to save the most valuable thing of the world – life, and my job is to make sure that every single machine would work properly. nobody could notice our existence in this holy place, they are too busy, and our achievement may not as obvious as doctors and nurses, but whenever they need help; we will be the first one to show up.
Besides, I’m also in charge of the medical dispatch-tube system, it's a new system which allows two stations to send files or pills between each other swiftly, from ICU to pharmacy, from OR to clinical laboratory, so our nurses no longer need to walk there anymore, they can spend more time and pay more attention on patients. The system has been used over 27000 times in the last year, it's amazing.
just before i finish, I have to say that our leadership is always thinking ahead of it’s time, they send 3 of my colleagues and me to Japan on September 30th, to learn their advanced central management system, if the new system could actually be used in here, we can save millions of dollars each year. I really appreciate for this opportunity, in return, I can promise you i will spare no effort to serve our hospital.
总得来说, 一一定要注意时态正确和一致, 二要注意名词要通常戴个帽,定冠词,不定冠词不能省, 三要大写 "I", 四要正确使用标点符号. Good luck in the final!
具体来说:
1.from seneca college --> from the Seneca College
2. back in 2007, after that, I’ve been living in Canada for over 4 years, I’ve worked in many places like --> "back" is not necessary. I lived in Canada for 5 years. I had worked at many places.
3. But, I couldn't find where my future is,--> Yet I could not envision my future well.
4. I was working 10 hours everyday, but still feel empty, --> I worked 10 hours everyday, but I still felt empty.
5 so, I ask myself, how can my career feel more fulfilling? --> you career does not "feel", human beings "feel". So I asked myself, "how can I step up in my career? How can I make my life more meaningful? The answer was clear to me : go back to China.
6. i can do something more.--> I can do more.
7. So by 2011 --> so in 2011,
8. and let me be responsible for surgical equipment maintains and repairs including surgical lights, monitors, microscopes and a lot more. --> and put me in charge of maintenance and repair work of the company's surgical equipment such as a, b, and C.
9. also read many books about surgical equipment, slowly; --> if you read "many" books, how can you read "slowly"? Is it relevant here whether you read slowly or quickly? Say, I also read many books about surgical equipment.
10. To be honest with you, --> not the best to use this phrase, as if you you are not honest in other matters. Suggest that you say "Frankly, or to be honest, (do not follow with "with you").
11. I was a little bit scared of stepping into the OR at the first time --> do most audience know what "OR" is? If not, say it in full term, at least for the first time you mention it.
12. you could actually just stay in there, watching--> use "watch"
13. to save the most valuable thing of the world – life, --> delete "to"
14. nobody could notice our existence in this holy place, they are too busy, and our achievement may not as obvious as doctors and nurses, but whenever they need help; we will be the first one to show up. --> Compared to the doctors and nuerses, mechanical engineers' presence was not the most obvious in an hectic life-saving environment, but we would usually be the first ones to show up to take care of the equipment before the doctors and nurses took care of the patients.
15. so our nurses no longer need to walk there anymore--> so our nurses no longer needed to walk to (what room? be clear)thus having more time to...
16. The system has been used over 27000 times in the last year, it's amazing. --> do you mean its continous error-free performance has been amazing?
17 just before i finish, I have to say that our leadership is always , --> why "just" is needed here? "I have to say" is less appropriate than "I must say"
18. thinking ahead of it’s time --> who is "it"? Do you mean: I must say that senior management has been visionary so as to have foreseen the needs of staff training and development.
19: 3 of my colleagues --> 3 colleagues
20 they send and me to Japan on September 30th, to learn their advanced central management system, --> who is the first "they"? whose is the second "theirs"? Be clear. "Learn" a language or methodology, but "study" a machine or system.
21. if the new system could actually be used in here, --> not very clear. Did you mean: If the central management system can be used to command and integrate our various medical equipment, it can reduce operating costs by millions of dollars.
22. in return, I can promise you i will spare no effort to serve our hospital. --> "in return" sounds 露骨， sounds like you mean if people vote you number one, you will spare no efforts and otherwise, you won't do so. LOl. Can you say, I would like to devote all my passion, skills, and expereince to such an dynamic business and a great cause together with my awesome colleagues and our visionery leaders and I very much appreciate your support!更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net