Regardless the reason, this can not be justified in any ways - let it be lack of intimacy, love, connections, care,sparks etc, I felt terrible.
However in another way, this also shed a light on my walking-dead life and I finally found that long lost fresh air i was dreading for and I might finally, finally, find somebody who would accept me just the way I am and love me back.
I am leaving this marriage, hope for the best and prepared for the worst. The hope is like the AED , shot through my heart and revived me.